I had completely forgotten that on Feb. 8, five years ago today, our daughter Eleni went into surgery in Florida to remove one of her ovaries that had been swallowed up by a possibly malignant cyst. While I stayed in her apartment with six-month-old Amalia, the rest of the family were at the hospital waiting to hear the report, and the suspense was unbearable. When I finally got the phone call, I posted on Facebook: "Who was it that said the most beautiful word in the English language is 'benign'?" The happy ending to this story is that three years later, Eleni and Emilio were able to add Amalia's little brother Nicolas to their family. But today, I re-read the essay Eleni managed to write and post on her blog "The Liminal Stage" before going off to the hospital. I'm re-posting it here, because I think it's so eloquent and brave, and to remind us how blessed we are.
Same Same, But Different
February 8, 2012 by
Eleni
Almost
exactly 10 years ago I had a cyst removed from my right ovary. It was
discovered during my annual gynecologic exam, which I had scheduled
early because I was about to move to Greece to oversee the rebuilding of
my grandparents’ house, which had fallen into ruin after the Greek
Civil War, an experience would form the basis of my travel memoir,
North of Ithaka.
My doctor assured me that the cyst was probably nothing to worry
about, that it was most likely water-filled, or a benign growth like
afibroid or a dermoid. But a post-surgical biopsy showed it to be a
low-malignant potential tumor, which isn’t cancerous, but isn’t benign
either, and a CT-scan revealed that I still had two small cysts on the
back of that ovary.
Some people counseled me to have that ovary removed, pointing out
that your chances of getting pregnant are the same with one ovary as
with two (because the remaining ovary steps up its hormone production
and releases an egg every month instead of every other). But I was young
(27) and very single, and didn’t know what the future held, so I wanted
to keep both ovaries just to be safe. So I opted to have routine
ultrasounds to make sure that the cysts hadn’t grown in size.
They stayed the same for the next ten years, even throughout my
pregnancy. Then last week, in my six-month post-delivery checkup, we did
the usual ultrasound and it revealed an 8-cm cyst on my right ovary
(actually, the cyst is so large it has sort of swallowed the ovary).
Everyone agreed that it (and, this time, the dwarfed ovary) had to come
out. It was déja vu all over again.
Only this time everything felt totally different. On the one hand, I
was much better off than I had been during my first surgery, when I was
young and single and had no idea if I’d ever have children. I now have
the incredible husband I wasn’t sure existed, and we already have one
very funny, highly adorable baby. A baby who came partly from an egg
that the problematic right ovary had dropped (I know because during my
pregnancy ultrasounds we saw the corpus luteum cyst, which remains when
the egg is released, on the right).
But that’s where things get complicated. That what’s changed the most
since my last surgery–this little baby. She depends on me for
everything, down to the food she eats. The truth is, she’d get by just
fine if I weren’t around–she has her papi and three grandmothers and
loving aunts and grandpas and all the rest–but she’s also such a delight
to be around that I don’t want to miss watching her discover the world,
not even for the day I’ll be surgery. She gets so excited feeling the
wind or watching the rain or when a stranger waves at her, and I want to
see every one of those smiles and hear her guttural little laugh.
The oophorectamy I’m having today is an outpatient procedure. If all
goes well, I should be in and out the same day, and after three days of
pumping and dumping (and Amalía’s grandma giving her milk I’ve stored)
the anesthesia will be out of my system and I can feed her again.
So I’ve been trying not to get all
Terms of Endearment
about what I hope what will be a minor procedure. The doctor told me
that there’s a 20% chance the mass is cancerous, given my history and
the tumor’s size, but I’ve been trying to focus on the 80%. And eighty
percent is pretty good odds, even though it’s a B-, and nobody likes a
B-, not even in gym class. That’s probably my problem–my life is the
equivalent of grade inflation; I have the family I always wanted
(although I would like to keep adding to it), and
my novel
is coming out in a week; maybe I’ve been too lucky and now I want
everything to be A+ all the time without the interference of
clear-liquid diets, surgery, and whisperings of mortality.
But I’ve been talking to some of my girlfriends, and I think it’s not
just me and my unrealistic expectations. One friend was about to go in
for dental surgery when I called her, and, knowing she was about to be
put under general anesthesia, she said she couldn’t stop thinking about
who would raise her child if something were to happen to her, where her
husband would move, and what influences would dominate her baby’s life.
It may be maudlin, but it’s also natural and unavoidable. Everyone tells
you that everything changes when you have a baby; this is just one of
the unexpected ways in which that is true.
I think that’s one of the most significant things that changes when
you have a child; you become aware that if something were to happen to
you, you would miss out not only on experiencing your life, but also on
witnessing his or hers. The joy of life doubles, but then, so does the
risk, the potential loss.
I realize this blog’s a bit of a downer. And that’s how life has been
lately, but only in moments. Because every day there are incidents that
are so amazing, watching Amalía laugh at her grandparents who are
visiting, as she tries to bite their knuckles to soothe her teething, or
they pinch her nose. And those moments are so purely fun that they’re
not even outweighed by the fear of missing out on them.
So I’m trying not to worry too much, to stay calm until the surgery
happens and to hope everything goes well. I do what I can to feel in
control, employing the rituals that give me comfort. I pray. I went to
church and took communion. I bought my mother a necklace with an image
of Ganesh, remover of obstacles, on it. And I had my toenails painted,
because every time I look at them while I’m having a medical test they
cheer me up.
I also see signs everywhere, or I hear them rather;
“the Rose”
was playing on the muzak system during my MRI, and I remembered singing
it with my sister in the backseat of the car on a drive across Greece
with my parents.
“Dynamite”,
which was sort of a theme song of our wedding reception, played on the
radio the way to one doctor’s appointment, and I had to laugh out loud
that I considered a cheesy disco tune to be a message from on high. I
saw a big rainbow en route to my pre-op blood typing. And every time
Amalía chuckles her vaguely evil little chuckle I think it’s a promise
that I’ve got a lot more of those coming to me.
Because after the initial appointment when I learned I need surgery, I
rushed home to relieve the babysitter, who was already late for her
next appointment, since what was supposed to be a routine doctor’s visit
took so long. Then I wheeled Amalía’s stroller down to the beach to
show her the ocean and to promise that there’ so much more we’re going
to discover together in the future, and she laughed to show she
understood what I was trying to tell her.